Duncan Christie-Miller, 1st April 2021

Committee 14

I never thought it would happen to me. Many telephone calls seem to be encouraging me to call that nice man at HMRC – but this was different.

‘As soon as you can, look in both C and M’, whispered the voice which I thought I almost recognised. ‘You have to do something about this. It’s up to you’. Click.

So, I did. And there they were – two bulky brown envelopes in the C and M pigeonholes at the Club. To say I was astonished would be an understatement – so I have decided to print the most important points here where you can all see what is really going on.

Dear Duncan, it began …
I know you will be horrified to learn what has been going on behind the scenes and our backs during the lockdowns. Not all is sweetness and light here, let me tell you. It is quite imperative you never disclose my identity as this would seriously compromise my position in relation to the Club – but please take these matters very seriously and do something.

You see the secret Committee 14 has been exploring the future of the Club. I am not at liberty to tell you who instigated this but, Mum’s the four- letter word you need. Here are some of Committee 14’s thoughts and findings:

Children

The plan to take back the Rosslyn Park lease and use the space and facilities solely for children is well developed. After rejecting several group name suggestions, they have settled on Small Kids Integrated Depot Making Activities Recreation Kind and Social. The rugby club will be offered alternatives in due course.

Parking

The 2021 parking badge will from now on cost £75. There will be a surcharge of £5 per visit for more than 20 visits each calendar year.

During the quieter summer months, the car park will be turned into a high-end glamping arena with luxury Portaloos and a 24-hour Vegan barbecue.

Indoor Tennis Courts

The indoor tennis centre will be converted into an ice rink. An arrow will be painted on the roof saying ‘Heathrow – that way. Wheels Down Now’. The Heathrow management company and Dulux paint will pay an annual royalty.

Catering

In a move to move with the times and attract the younger Members to spend their lunch money at the Club, all in-house catering will cease with MacDonalds and a new firm called Presto Manger providing two new facilities using the now available space.

The Members Bar will become self-service using an Honesty Box approach. Apparently, this has been trialled very successfully in the House of Commons.

There will be no table service once the contracts have been signed. This could be as early as May 2021.

Sports Shop

This will be turned into an Amazon-style vending machine centre with essential sports goods being dispensed using the Club card for payment.

Croquet

Due to a number of complaints from distracted golfers about unseemly ball-striking noise from the croquet lawns, croquet players will, with immediate effect, be required to use the UK Croquet Association approved Muffled Mallet.

Golf

There are a number of main changes here: firstly, all rounds will be started by using the Club’s Golf Card which will be inserted into the Golf Recording And Scoring Process (GRASP). This frees up the Starter who will be given Drone Training to Level 3 with the Drone(s) being deployed around the course – especially on the 10th where there are too many errant balls going into Roehampton Lane.

The main change, however, is that all non-fairway grass will be replaced with artificial grass. In the first instance the Rosslyn Park pitch will be used for this as it will no longer be needed for rugby. It is thought that by only keeping the fairways and greens as real grass there will be large savings on manpower, grass cutting and machinery rental.

Water

As you know we literally sit on millions of gallons of water contained in the storage system under the tennis courts by the Gym and Pools. Committee 14 plans to bottle this supply and sell it under the brand name DeersWater.

Gardens

The annual replanting of the gardens will no longer be needed. All flowers will be artificial. Committee 14 is exploring using the RHS approved Artificial Scent System (ASS), whereby a combination of BRUT, Imperial Leather and the new Eau de Cologne 1477 is sprayed over the beds.

Bridge

As many people now prefer to play Bridge online – the Bridge room will become the Gaming Room for teenagers.

Art and Photography

Will be allowed to continue but anyone producing pictures of kittens in teacups, sunsets, flowers or spaniels will have their membership revoked.

Changing Rooms

Committee 14 is still undecided about these. One idea to introduce cold water showers only was rejected despite the current trend for wild swimming. Consideration is being given to combining both the male and female changing rooms. After all, it happens in peoples’ homes.

Swimming Pools

It is intended to reduce the level of water in both pools by 10%. This will save about £35,000 pa as the pools need refilling frequently due to ‘accidents.’ It is thought that no one will notice the difference in water levels due to the Archimedes Principle. Also, the stated water temperature will be promulgated as being 10% warmer than it actually is thus saving on heating costs.

Committees

Committee 14 is seriously considering abolishing all other Committees and running the Club on the Belarus Principle. The Trump Gambit was rejected as being too unbelievable.

With concern,
Redacted

There you have it – you will understand that I have not been able to print all the stuff Committee 14 has been looking into. However, I do intend to divulge more information in due course. This includes material concerning the length of tennis shorts, skirts and socks, who is secretly trading in Roehampton Club honey, use of urine detection chemicals in the swimming pools, the commercial advantages of growing cannabis in the sunken gardens, the use of whoopee cushions in the Reading Room to prevent post-prandial naps and ensuring the golf round booking system is ‘clarified’ so no one understands it, thus reducing the number of rounds being played.

On that last point, I think that has already been implemented – so, please ignore that one.

Thank you.
Duncan Christie-Miller, 1st April 2021