Duncan Christie-Miller

My Secret Lust

My name is Duncan Christie-Miller and I am a closet voyeur. Well, sort of.

If I was writing to the Times I would start my letter as follows: ‘Am I alone in …’ but on this occasion I will refrain from that and let you into my secret world of lust.

It is catalogues.

Those wonderful quarto volumes that always annoyingly fall out the weekend papers and require a determined grunt to pick them up.

Up until a few years ago I thought a mandolin was a rather quaint musical instrument but now thanks to Lakeland I know that it is an amazing piece of kit that allows you to micro-slice vegetables – without adding an extra inch of your first finger to the coleslaw. It stays a cream colour – no added A Pos thank you. I need one.

How about extra wide, waterproof walking shoes with a Velcro fastening – what a joy to have them in the car boot and thus prevent that tottering motion when changing in the car park before golf? I need a pair.

Earwax removers … what did you say? Yes – guaranteed to improve your hearing without inserting a small broomstick with cotton wool attached and going deaf for a week. I need them. Now

And extra wide-mouthed toenail clippers with ergonomic handles and a crafty angle to get right there. Essential.

With winter approaching there is no doubt that I cannot be without silver infused gloves that ensure total finger warmth and will rid me of Reynaud’s Syndrome until April next year. Give me the order form please.

Do you have wandering carpets? Mine seem to be on a sort of Voor Trek each week. I found one in the garden last week clearly intent on escaping. But those wonderful under-rug grippers will make an immediate arrest. I better have ten please.

I need a pair of cargo trousers. Not quite sure what cargo I am going to import but they look mighty cool on the chiselled faced model with hairy and well developed fore-arms. If I buy a pair I am sure to develop those too. Two pairs please and hurry Mr Amazon.

Driving glasses to prevent those dazzle moments on the A3. Haven’t had a problem but with all these high-riding SUVs it is better to be prepared. Better get three pairs as I seem to lose glasses quite frequently.

Have you longed for a solar powered lamppost in your garden? I had not until I saw one advertised and thought – ‘What a brilliant idea’. And solar powered – it must be green. I want to be green – two please.

I always thought that a microwave was really quick. But, hold on – how about a special pouch that cooks baked potatoes in minutes in a microwave? Surely that cannot be right as they would not be baked …but, anything that saves time must be brilliant. I know, I’ll get three and give them to my best friends. Hang on – I will order four just to be safe.

Going back to clothes for men – how about a safari jacket? I went to Longleat once and felt VERY under-dressed which did not impress the lions at all – no safari jacket. The beige one with the extra pocket on the back – that’s the one for me.

Travelling abroad – fat chance – but just in case and to prevent my pockets being picked I need an undershirt pouch with a waist belt and a concealed zip. Apparently, there is an operation called a Wallectomy when these are surgically removed from those dark places we all have. Only E3,000. I may well pass on this one but I am still tempted. Oh! Go on – add it to the order form.

Did you ever stand on a chair to change a lightbulb or reach into the top cupboard to flap around for that last and lost packet of chocolate buttons? Not allowed now – Health & Safety you see. You need a 5- way adjustable safety step ladder with anti-slip treads AND non-slip ferrules. Do not worry about storing it – there must be room in the garage. I’ll get one.

I cannot end without telling you about me and torches. I have three super bright, aluminium ones in different colours which have a SIMPLE ON and OFF SWITCH. Up until buying them I had not had a problem turning torches off but these are incredibly simple to use. Trouble is I cannot find them. Well, that is not entirely true as I did manage to locate one in my bedside table but the battery was flat. Left it on you see. OK – better buy some more. Just to be safe.

So, my secret is out.

What do you really need? A self- elevating cushion? Easy grip bottle openers? Non-drip stainless steel tea pots? Magic hair removers? NASA designed pens for use in space?

Which reminds me – the Russians use a pencil.

I think I will follow their example and stop living in catalogue fantasy land. Hey steady on – where can I get that pencil?

Duncan Christie-Miller©