The Alternative Pantomime

Duncan Christie-Miller

We have all missed our annual pilgrimage to the land of Pantomime with its attendant medley of flamboyant, transgender euphemisms and double entendres designed to entertain adults, children and grown up children like me.

So, I thought we needed a small injection of Panto type humour as the rain continues and the COVID virus persists. You will have to accept that all of this article is designed to promote groans not gales. Read on with this caveat in mind. You have been warned.

What do you call a man who exercises most days? Jim

‘Would you like to play with my dog?’
‘He looks very fierce. Does he bite?’
‘That’s what I want to find out’.

Patient: ‘Doctor, people keep ignoring me’
Doctor: ‘Next please’

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he got a hole in one.
(QR – you may use this one. Duncan)

Patient: ‘I keep thinking I’m a cricket ball’
Doctor: ‘How’s that?’
Patient: ‘Don’t you start’.

Patient: ‘I can’t stop eating wine gums. Last night I had four reds, three yellows and a blue. I feel terrible’
Doctor: ‘I can see your trouble. You are not eating enough greens’

‘What’s this fly doing in my soup?’
‘I think it is backstroke, sir’.

Credit Cards
A friend of mine burnt her credit card recently. She’s called Bernadette.

My drive on tractor is magic. It turned into a field.

Two antenna got married.
The ceremony was all right but the reception was brilliant.

Tourist on top of the Eiffel Tower: ‘Do people fall off here very often?’
Guide: ‘No, only once’.

Why was Trump pleased with himself when he finished the jigsaw puzzle in six days? Because it said ‘4-6 years’ on the box.

Teacher: ‘If you multiplied 5789 by 2393, what answer would you get?’
Pupil: ‘The wrong one’.

Patient: ‘I keep thinking I’m a Welsh pop singer’
Doctor: ‘You may have the Tom Jones syndrome’
Patient: ‘is that rare?’
Doctor: ‘it’s not unusual’.

Pupil: ‘Can you still live when your brain is dead?’
Teacher: ‘You are alive, aren’t you?

Doctor: ‘Your test came back negative’
Patient: ‘That’s good surely?’
Doctor: ‘Not really, it was an IQ test’.

‘Mum why does Dad call his desk his “Work Station?”’
‘Well, a bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops, so …’

Customer: ‘Three pounds of carrots please’
Grocer: ‘Sorry we only sell kilos now’
Customer: ‘OK, three pounds of kilos then please’.

General Knowledge
What is acoustic?
Something a Scottish farmer uses to control his cattle

And, on that cerebral note, I think it is time to disappear in a puff of smoke and climb up my beanstalk.

Duncan Christie-Miller

PS Saved you £30 a pop for each panto ticket as well!