You will all have heard the decision to relax ‘lock down’ of some sports, and we are delighted to advise that croquet will return to Roehampton Club this weekend.
Singles play only and following the Government, Croquet Association and Roehampton Club advice.
Click here for information on returning to croquet at the Club
Please be grateful to be back on the lawns and heed the recommendations – any abuse risks further restrictions.
Following the broadcast by the PM, an email marked ‘urgent’ reaches Downing Street. It is from the Croquet Association and reads:
We understand that the restrictions on playing golf and tennis are to be lifted. Could this please be extended to playing association croquet? We look forward to a reply in the affirmative.
Boris: ‘Croquet? We play that at Chequers. A vicious game. Why would anyone want to play that during a time of national crisis? Tell them we are following The Science and may or may not consider permitting it in September.’
Sports Minister: ‘But PM, if we wait until September it will be too late, the croquet season will be over.’
Boris: ‘Oh well, tell them they can play so long as it is with members of their own household and they Stay Alert.’
Sports Minister: ‘Hmm, no one in their right mind plays croquet with members of their own household. Could we agree to let them play with anyone so long as they keep 2 metres apart?’
Boris: ‘Hang on. Aren’t most croquet players over 70 with underlying health conditions? They’re vulnerable, we can’t possibly let them out yet. The NHS will be overwhelmed.’
Sports Minister: ‘It’s true that many players are over 70, but it’s playing croquet that keeps them fit.’
Boris: ‘Oh very well − but remember to tell them only one person is allowed to retrieve balls from the rhododendron bushes.’
Sports Minister: ‘Forgive me PM, but I think you have a different version of the game in mind. Association croquet is a sophisticated game played by responsible people who know the rules.’
Boris: ‘Rules? That reminds me, I once played Dominic Cummings at Chequers and he kept telling me I was cheating and looking things up in a blasted rule book.’
Sports Minister: ‘Yes, that sounds like the right game. There are rather a lot of rules.’
Boris: ‘Better remind them to stay 2 metres apart when consulting the rule book.’
Sports Minister: ‘Thank you PM.’
Boris: ‘And one more thing. Tell them they must wear disposable gloves when touching the opponent’s balls.’
Sports Minister: ‘Of course PM. As ever, a wise precaution.’
My mallet was well prepared and stocked for the VE day celebrations, last Friday, albeit a very isolated occasion.
Keep well. Keep in touch with your croquet friends.
